What If This Were All Alright?

July 2011

I’ve recently turned 40 and for some reason, this has thrown my entire world into psychological turmoil. Luckily, I am aware of this and because of my training as a therapist, am using all the tools at my disposal for taking an emotional step back and am practicing simply observing my experience, rather than acting on it. I haven’t always been so wise- quite the opposite. Perhaps this is the gift of getting older and maturing more emotionally- I have become less reactive to my emotions and instead, spend more time observing them- looking at them with curiosity, sitting on my impulses to DO something about them, and then making major decisions about my life once the wave has washed over me and I can think logically and rationally about the whole thing.

If you would have explained such a process to my 20-something self, she most likely would have looked at you like you were nuts and said something only the young and flippant would say like, “I don’t like to think about things too much. I prefer to go with my feelings.”

Well, dear readers, after half a lifetime spent going with my feelings, I’m here to say that it’s not always the wisest decision in life and can end up causing one a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering in the long-run. I definitely see this with my teen/20-something clients who throw all caution to the wind and choose to live by the seat of their pants and wind up making some really poor decisions as a result. This is most common in their choice of dating partners… ouch. Now, as a happily married 40-year-old, I can sit there and pompously think to myself, “I’m glad I’m not there anymore”.

So now when I’ve got all sorts of huge life questions swirling around my head such as: What would make me happier? What adventures do I want to experience next? Am I making good choices in relationships with friends and family? Am I living up to my full potential?, I ask myself the very wise question from Susan Jeffer’s fantastic book, “End the Struggle and Dance with Life: How to Build Yourself Up When the World Gets You Down”:

WHAT IF THIS WERE ALL ALRIGHT?

Now try applying this question to the thing that’s driving you crazy the most right now…visualize the question/problem in your mind and ask yourself:

WHAT IF THIS WERE ALL ALRIGHT?

Repeat this question three times to yourself.

What did you notice?

Take some time to observe your reactions and experience. How did you feel in your body by the time you’d asked yourself that question repeatedly?

I do this exercise with many of my clients when they are really upset about something that is going on in their life, and I find, that regardless of what the upset is, that asking themselves this important question shifts their perspective in a more positive direction and they often feel a sense of what they describe as “surrender” which feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of their shoulders. This, in turn, leads to a profound sense of peace and equanimity which feels a whole lot better than tenseness, frustration, and swirling thoughts…