Women's Community Counsellor
Volume 1, Issue 1 - Spring 2005

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In this issue:

• Featured Article: How Do I Help Someone I Care About Who is Experiencing Food and Weight Problems?
  
  
• Top 10 Things to Do When Someone You Care About Struggles With Disordered Eating
  
  
• Women and Food/Body Image Preoccupation: A Wholistic Approach
  
  
• About Esther Kane

How Do I Help Someone I Care About Who is Experiencing Food and Weight Problems?

It is often difficult for family and friends to understand why someone they love is experiencing food and weight problems. Though frustrating, it is important to realize that only the person experiencing the difficulty can make the decision to get help and choose what kind of help they need and want.

An eating disorder is a coping strategy that an individual uses to deal with deeper problems which are too painful or difficult to address directly. There is a wide range of services available, not all of which will be appropriate for the person. It is not beneficial for him/her to stay in a treatment setting that is found to be unhelpful, or possibly even damaging. The sufferer is the one who needs to make the ultimate decision about the help they get.

When first approaching your friend or family member, understand that they might not welcome your concern and may even react with anger or denial. They will discuss their eating disorder with someone when they feel ready. They will probably feel more able to do so if they know that you are concerned, but not going to force them into anything before they are ready (an exception may be if the condition constitutes a medical emergency). Be prepared for the possibility that a discussion about their eating problems might not lead to any change in attitude or behaviour on their part. Again, this is because the person may have very good reasons for not giving up the eating disorder as a “coping strategy”.

Adapted from The National Eating Disorder Information Centre website: www.nedic.ca.

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Top 10 Things to Do When Someone You Care About Struggles With Disordered Eating

1. Have patience. Anorexia, bulimia, and compulsive eating can take a long time to resolve. However, recovery is possible. Nothing should be forced upon anyone, as their choices should be their own. This approach encourages empowerment.
2. Support the person. Let them know you care and that you are aware of what is happening. Listen attentively and allow the person to express their feelings. Be prepared for a range of emotional responses such as denial and anger.
3. The influences of language. Avoid discussions about weight, body shape, fat and food. Focus on activities that are not associated with food or appearance.
4. Persistence and love. Maintain a relationship with the person. Do not give up! Though it can be difficult to accept, it is their vulnerability to these destructive patterns that facilitate their preoccupation with weight loss. Keep the lines of communication open. Although the person may pull away from you, do not take their behavior personally.
5. Information is power. Learn about disordered eating: support groups, signs, symptoms, books, facts, myths, resources, peer support, treatments, counselling, healthy living, body image, self-esteem, etc. Recovery can be a frustrating process and this knowledge can alleviate feelings of powerlessness.
6. The value of friendship. Do not take on the role of a therapist. It is the trust between friends that has great value in a healing relationship. Do not badger the person about eating; you cannot cure them. They have to take responsibility for changes. It will happen when they are ready.
7. Avoid judgement. Reflect on and examine your beliefs towards body shape, diets and fat prejudice. Personal comments may unknowingly promote a desire for thinness.
8. Provide resources. Assist the individual to seek help. Be there for them in the most appropriate way that both of you feel comfortable with.
9. Let go of blame. Disordered eating can be a manifestation of many forms of stress. Blame reinforces a sense of failure and distance. Feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and decreased self-confidence are usually contributing factors.
10. Keep in touch. Recovery does not occur in isolation. This may mean seeking advice about your concerns from family members, friends, a school counsellor, or a public health nurse.

Adapted from the National Eating Disorders Information Centre (Toronto) and the Bulimia Anorexia Nervosa Association (Windsor).

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Women and Food/Body Image Preoccupation: A Wholistic Approach

While I work with a number of “presenting problems”, I primarily provide psychotherapy services to women of all ages, shapes, and sizes who have one thing in common: a relationship with food and their body that is so problematic that they need professional help to deal with it and to heal. When I ask my clients what they would be doing with their lives if they weren’t all-consumed by thoughts of food or being “thin enough”, they often look down sadly and say something like: “I’ve never thought about that before- I don’t even know where I would start”. This response typically comes from someone who is extremely intelligent, kind, loving, and internally (and externally) beautiful.

I dream of a time when I run out of clients because there is no such thing as an “eating disorder”; a magical transformation of society wherein human beings practice ‘radical self-acceptance’ and appreciate ourselves (and each other) exactly as we are: already perfect because that is how the Universe created us. In this time, the emphasis would be placed on the beauty of our inner selves and what we give to the world; rather than a focus on what we look like on the outside and obtaining material wealth. One can always dream…

Until such a day arrives, I continue to use a 3-pronged approach to my work with women who struggle with disordered eating, incorporating all aspects of women’s everyday lives:

1) feminist consciousness: by exploring how women’s roles are created within society and what women are expected to be/live up to, we can begin to understand how we have internalized how we see ourselves based on outside forces such as: the media, our own ethnicity/culture and each woman’s unique life circumstances.

2) family-of-origin: our family-of-origin has a very significant impact on how we develop our self-concept and how we relate to food and our body. By examining experiences within our family-of-origin that have shaped us into who we are today and working through those experiences as an adult, we can begin to re-define our self-concept in ways that help us become happier, healthier, and more self-loving people.

3) the body/mind/spirit connection: by utilising various methods of body-centred techniques (i.e, energy work, meditation, and visualization), I help my clients to develop a healing and satisfying connection with their body and their spirit (or “soul self”). By connecting with their ‘inner child’ and following their own spiritual path, I have seen many women let go of the obsession with food and distorted body image. I call this ‘healing from the inside out’: by going within on a regular basis, we learn to love ourselves in a whole new way and experience more calm, peace, and presence in our lives without needing to turn to food or body image obsession.

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Esther Kane, MSW, RCC relocated to the Comox Valley over two years ago from Vancouver. She is in full-time private practise as a psychotherapist in Courtenay. Esther has over a decade of experience counselling women and their loved ones with a multitude of presenting problems. Her main focus is helping women to become free of barriers which keep them stuck so that they can become all that they dream of being. To book a session or to set up a free 15-minute phone consultation, call Esther at 250.338.1800. Or e-mail her at: esther@estherkane.com. You can check out her detailed website at: www.estherkane.com.

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