For months I’ve been struggling with a big decision- should I stay with my boyfriend or not? The reason I’m questioning this is because of his marijuana use.
When we met and started dating, he did not smoke pot. He’s a wonderful and caring man, and I felt luckyto have met him. A few months later, his car was broken into. This really devastated him, and he started smoking marijuana as a way to calm his anxiety about the situation. I then learned he used to smoke it regularly but had stopped a couple of months before we met. His occasional use eventually became a daily occurrence.
We have been together for 1.5 years and we live together. He smokes marijuana every day. My primary issue with it is that it changes him. When he’s high, I find him less mature, somewhat annoying, uninterested in doing anything, and difficult to talk to. I’ve talked to him numerous times about my concern re: his dependency on it, and how I prefer him when he’s not high. It doesn’t seem like he’s going to stop. He says it’s fun and he enjoys it.
People say you shouldn’t try to change someone; that you should love them for who they are. I do love him, but struggle to accept him when he’s using marijuana. I feel like I was somewhat mislead when we first started dating. I fell in love with a man who did not smoke marijuana, and now I’m in a relationship with one who uses every day.
Is it reasonable for me to expect him to stop smoking marijuana? Should I stay with him if he continues to use?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
This is a tough situation you’re in for sure, but one I have heard about over and over again from various clients over the years. It sounds like you were somewhat mislead by your boyfriend if he failed to tell you that he used to smoke marijuana heavily before you started dating, but had recently quit. This is why I always encourage women to “weed out” (sorry, couldn’t help the pun!) these sorts of things while in the early stages of dating someone. In this case, if you could do it all over again, I would suggest that when you first started dating, that you ask some serious questions about drug/alcohol use in the past if this is a deal-breaker for you.
Just because he stopped smoking pot when you were first dating is no indication that he didn’t have an addiction to it in the past or a propensity to go that way again in the future. It sounds like this is the case and that the slightest stress (in the case you give, his car was broken into and he turned into a daily pot smoker).
In case it’s not totally obvious, I dare point out that having your car broken into and turning to a serious addiction as the answer is not at all healthy or a mature way to deal with life stressors. I can’t imagine what he might do if something more devastating happened in his life is this is his reaction to someone breaking into a vehicle? I’m guessing that he probably suffers from anxiety and would likely benefit from talking to his doctor about medication, as well as getting some counseling to learn healthy tools to manage anxiety (besides self-medicating with pot).
Also, it sounds like he is in complete denial of his addiction to pot and that he doesn’t see it as a problem.This is definitely not a good sign in my books and points to the possibility of him continuing on with it and maybe getting even worse in the future. The fact is, he has an active addiction and is choosing to not take responsibility for the effect it is having on him, your relationship, and you.
Ultimately, I think the decision to stay or leave is up to you. I would just say that if you can accept the situation exactly as it is without expecting him to give up daily pot smoking, there is one answer. If you feel differently, you could try giving him an ultimatum- either the pot goes, or you go and see where the chips fall. Please write back and let me know how it goes if you are so inclined.
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