I must start this musing with a truthful disclosure- I AM NOT VERY GOOD AT BOUNDARY-SETTING and consider myself a ‘boundary-setting apprentice’. For some reason, I seem very capable of helping my clients set healthy boundaries with others in their lives with great success. However, I am constantly pushing myself to grow and learn and become the woman I have always dreamed of being, even when that means scaring the absolute crap out of myself- as I constantly say to my clients: WE HAVE TO LEARN TO BECOME COMFORTABLE BEING UNCOMFORTABLE if we are to blossom into our highest selves. Read this article to learn how to do this more readily.
This is not my first musing on boundary-setting. Here is a previous post entitled Brilliant Boundaries-Creating and Instituting “Personal Policies.”
Read the following if you want to learn more about what boundaries are and how and when to set them. I hope this helps you set needed boundaries in your life.
What are boundaries and why are they important?
I like this simple definition of boundaries: “Where you end and I begin.” Boundaries are limits that we can
set with other people to let them know:
• “This is how far I am willing to go.”
• “This is what I will or won’t do for you.”
• “This is what I will not tolerate from you.”
For example, let’s say you have a friend who wants you to look after her kids more than you would like to. Perhaps you don’t mind doing it occasionally; but not every week like she wants. You could set a boundary with her by saying, “Julie – I really enjoy looking after your kids on occasion, but I have a very full schedule and can only do it once a month maximum.” This is letting her know what you will and won’t do for her and how far you are willing to go.
10 signs of unhealthy boundaries
#1: Talking at an intimate level at the first meeting.
#2: Falling in love with a new acquaintance.
#3: Going against personal values or rights to please others.
#4: Touching a person without asking.
#5: Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.
#6: Letting others direct your life.
#7: Falling apart so someone will take care of you.
#8: Accepting food, gifts, touch, or sex that you don’t want.
#9: Being overwhelmed by a person- preoccupied with thoughts of them.
#10: Letting others describe your reality and/or define who you are.
Five tips for setting healthy boundaries
1.When you identify that you need to set a limit with someone, do it clearly, preferably without anger, and in as few words as possible. Avoid justifying, rationalizing, or apologizing. Offer a brief explanation, if it makes sense to do that. We cannot maintain intimate relationships until we can tell others what hurts us and what feels good.
2.You cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another person’s feelings. The two acts are mutually exclusive.
3.You will probably feel ashamed and afraid when you set boundaries. Do it anyway. People may not know that they are trespassing. Also, people don’t respect others whom they can use. People use those they can use, and respect people they cannot use. Healthy limits benefit everyone. Children and adults will feel more comfortable around you if you have strong boundaries.
4.Anger, rage, complaining, and whining are clues to boundaries we need to set. The things we say we can’t stand, don’t like, feel angry about, and hate may be areas crying out for boundaries. When we feel those strong feelings, they are indicators of problems, like a flashing red light on the car dashboard. As well, shame and fear may be the barrier we need to break through to take care of ourselves. Other clues that we may need to set a boundary are feeling threatened, “suffocated,” or victimized by someone. We may need to get angry to set a boundary, but we don’t need to stay resentful to enforce it.
5.We’ll be tested when we set boundaries. Plan on it. It doesn’t do any good to set a boundary until we’re ready to enforce it. Often, the key to boundaries isn’t convincing other people we have limits – it’s convincing ourselves! Once we really know what our limits are, it won’t be difficult to convince others. In fact, people often sense when we’ve reached our limit. We’ll stop attracting so many boundary invaders. Things will change when we decide to change.
I Want Your Stories!
Are you a woman with an inspirational, uplifting, and empowering story that you think may appeal to my readers (i.e., other awesome women like yourself)? Do you believe in the power of self-help and women helping women?
Have you struggled with and then found peace/healing/strength from any of the following?
- An eating disorder
- Drug or alcohol (or fill-in-the-blank) addiction
- Unhealthy relationships
- Ageing in a youth-obsessed world
- Highly Dysfunctional Family-of-origin
- Tragic loss
- Physical Illness
- Mental Illness
- Or any other serious life challenge?
If so, I’m guessing that my loyal readers would love to hear your story. I’m all about empowering women and I know for a fact that the best way to do that is for us to share with each other and provide support to other women who are struggling with something that we once struggled with too. We as women have so much strength, support and wisdom to share with each other and I would love to give you the opportunity to do just that via my weekly e-zine.
I have the privilege every day to hear women’s incredible stories of deep pain and suffering but also of how they overcame serious adversity and multiple obstacles that were put in their way. I learn and grow so much as a result but due to confidentiality, cannot share those stories with you, my wonderful readers. But you can choose to share those stories with each other via this e-zine if you’d like. I encourage you greatly to do so and I know personally and professionally how healing and empowering it is to do so.