All human unhappiness comes from not facing reality squarely, exactly as it is- Buddha
One thing people say to me a lot, for better or for worse is this:
“Esther, you’re a bit too honest. Maybe you could tone it down a bit?”
To which I usually reply:
“I feel that my honesty is a blessing and not a curse. I strongly believe that we need more honest communication if the world is to improve. So no, I won’t be toning it down to make other people more comfortable. Have you ever thought that maybe most people aren’t honest enough? I feel that is more of a problem.”
For the most part, my honesty has served me and others very well. The majority of my clients regularly thank me for being up front and honest with them. They say they feel comfortable with me because they know where I stand and will hold them accountable in a firm but kind way towards meeting their goals. This holds true for most of my friends and family members as well.
But it wasn’t always an asset in my life. I’ve always been a truth-seeker and named what I saw in front of me- the good, the bad and the ugly. That’s not necessarily a winning formula when you’re a kid or a teen and everyone expects you to conform to an agreed-upon reality.
I have a strong memory of being kicked out of a history class in high school because I challenged the teaching of how settlers treated Indigenous people in North America- i.e. they left out critical facts regarding genocide, and the brutality inflicted upon First Nations People. The discussion between me and my history teacher got quite heated until she shrieked at me:
“You ask too many questions! Leave my classroom at once!”
Before I gathered my things and left the room, I looked at her right in the eye and said something to the effect of,
“This is the first time my asking questions has been considered a problem. I was raised to think critically and question what often passes as unquestioned truth in the world. I also believe strongly that if we don’t question things and examine our actions deeply, we will continue to oppress others and inflict unnecessary suffering to the most disenfranchised in society.”
Nor is this type of honesty generally accepted in a culture which has historically aimed to silence and repress women- especially when they’re questioning the oppression of themselves and others on a constant basis. Luckily, I had an amazing role model for this- my mother. To put it mildly- that woman will not be silenced or repressed. I have seen her get into near fisticuffs with others who are trying to silence her or others who need to use their voice to take a stand. Even though she is just over five feet, she is a formidable opponent and you do not want to be on her bad side.
And while collectively, we have suffered deeply over the past couple of years, the silver lining I see very clearly is that people are, at this stage, unwilling to put up with any more bullshit and that’s a good thing in my opinion. There is a deep longing for real and difficult conversations. We’re fed up with institutionalized racism, environmental devastation, the unequal distribution of wealth, and so much more. In short? The long-standing denial we were living in about the suffering of others and our planet is melting away.
I sense that for the first time for the majority of people, we are finally waking up to the deep suffering of others which those in power -rich white dudes- have institutionalized and been perpetuating for centuries.
Many of us are actively participating in dismantling this outdated, oppressive and toxic system brick by brick and there is a lot of push-back. It reminds me of when there are a few toddlers playing together and one of them has the best toys and then a parent tells them they can’t hog them all to themselves and encourages sharing. All hell breaks loose and said kid has a complete meltdown screaming, “No! Mine! Mine! Me no share!”
Here are some questions for you to muse on for homework:
Where could I be more honest in my life?
If I am withholding my truth from others, why am I doing that? Am I afraid of hurting their feelings, being rejected or ridiculed?
What positives outcomes could I enjoy if I were to come clean with myself and others about who I really am, what I really want and what gives my life meaning and purpose?
Of course, I would be remiss to end this musing without suggesting that you can be honest while also kind and gentle with others at the same time. It’s all in the delivery of how you say it. Remember the basics: use “I” statements, speak to the others’ goodness and focus on the love and caring between you.
Do you want to share some tips for being honest in a productive way? If so, please leave them in the comment box below to help my other readers do the same.
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