At the end of 2017 I was looking forward to a new year and working out some kinks in a long-term relationship with a man whom I adored and loved with my soul. This partnership was like none other I had experienced. I had complete trust in him and faith in love.
December 29, 2017 was a life changing date for me. He was away to visit family at Christmas. He came home and within 30 seconds of being in the door he broke up with me. My heart shattered into a million pieces. He told me that my “depression” was too hard on him and he didn’t know how to deal with it since he couldn’t “fix” me. He wanted nothing more than to help me through my darkness but it was eating him up inside and affecting his health.
I immediately slipped into grief- I did not eat, shower or get up off of the floor for 4 days. The pain was unbearable. How does a man who professes he loves you more than anything walks out when you are struggling? I couldn’t understand it. I was determined to heal myself and heal “us” in the process. Little did I know that he had already moved on.
I sought refuge in meditation- I practised 3-4 times a day just to try clear my head. Before I knew what was happening all sorts of traumas from my childhood came to the surface (raped as a teenager resulting in pregnancy and a child). This is when my own personal ‘dark night of the soul’ hit which is defined as “a period of spiritual dissolution suffered in which all sense of consolation is removed”. My definition is “the darkest days of my own hell”.
I was spiritually disconnected from myself and any Higher Power. I felt alone and had dark thoughts, often about leaving this world. I could see vivid images of ways I would die. I have been on the floor, on my knees begging any Higher Power to take this intense pain from me while sobbing all the while. The pain did not ease and my belief in any Higher Power was diminishing every day. It is a darkness that is so hard to describe. I have said it feels like your soul has been ripped from your body and everything you thought you knew and took comfort in was gone, forcing you to face the darkness within. This is the time to surrender and if that doesn’t work you surrender more.
Dark Night of the Soul happens when you start to shed parts of your ego to make room for your soul’s truth and find inner peace.
I have been through the dark night of the soul more than once in the last 5 months, each time it is a little easier to handle. Going through the dark night of the soul broke me open. It opened me to the grief of my relationship ending, past traumas, my life being in limbo, but most importantly, led me onto a spiritual path and a connection to a Higher Source. My mediation practice brought me peace at the times that I needed it. My connection to a Higher Source was pure love and inner power. This is when I realized that my healing journey was mine to walk and it needed to be walked alone. I did not need a man to be my savior as I needed to save myself. I needed to sit with the uncomfortable feelings and process each one of them. Doing this does pull me back into periods of dark night of the soul but it breaks open a new layer to my truth.
Esther Kane, my therapist, has been there for me through most of my journey and has been the most accepting, yet empowering woman that I have encountered. Some people are truly meant to be to be involved in your life. Esther has been my Earth Angel throughout this journey.
I am happy to report that I have rekindled some friendships as well as made some new ones. I have support from many people who are all dear to my heart, all whom I love unconditionally. I am about to embark on my third trip in 5 months. I have let go of many fears that have been holding me back. The world holds so many adventures waiting for me, I am excited for my future. I foresee music festivals, travel, food, drinks, laughs and friends in my horizon.
There are days that I still struggle, especially now that he has a new woman in his life. I have struggled with wondering how I was so disposable & replaceable. I ask myself, “Did he ever really love me? How could he leave me when I was in the middle of a hard time in my life? I am a good person so why did this happen? Why couldn’t he have been honest with me? How do you turn your back on someone who has been your best friend for several years?” We all know how those thoughts can take over, we are all human after all.
I AM worthy of love. I AM worthy of respect. I AM worthy of loyalty. I AM worthy of honesty. I AM WORTHY.
Even though I still feel abandonment and betrayal I pray for his happiness every day. I will not deny that he hurt me, but I do see that he has his own path to follow and lessons to learn. I feel love for him as he is the one who broke me open to my true potential and power as well as allowing me to release my traumas. He is the reason I have been propelled onto a path of growth an unlimited potential.
Will I love again? In the beginning I thought I could never trust again. Now I know that he does not have power over my life to take away my trust. My heart is open to receive and give love- that is my soul’s essence. I believe I will love again when the time is right. I will not begin a relationship to distract me from pain or for the sake of not being alone. I will live in the moment and allow my soul to shine. I have faith that destiny will prevail and bring to me a person who is deserving of my loyal heart.
I stand in my power. I am a warrior.