Because everybody learns differently, I have made this information into a YouTube video and a written blog post. I present them in this order. Enjoy!
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Boundaries are important because they stop us from being taken advantage of, or pushed around by others. They protect us from being victims of aggressive or needy people. These are the people whom we need to set concrete limits with in order to take care of ourselves physically as well as emotionally.
A healthy boundary is one where each person in the relationship knows what to expect from the other and is aware of and respects the other person’s wants, needs and limits.
I like this simple definition of boundaries:
Where You End and I Begin
Boundaries are limits that we can set with other people to let them know:
• “This is how far I am willing to go.”
• “This is what I will or won’t do for you.”
• “This is what I will not tolerate from you.”
There are a variety of different boundaries we can have. I found the following in an article entitled, BOUNDARIES: Definition and Types of Boundaries:
Material Boundaries
- What you feel comfortable lending
- You can tell someone you don’t want them to damage your belongings.
- Limits on time (your time is valuable)
- Limits on favors/services/labor
An example that includes a personal belonging as well as your time and labor is common to those who own pick-up trucks. If you have a pick-up truck, you’ve likely been asked by someone to help them move.
Physical Boundaries
- Personal space
- Touching
- WHO can touch you
- HOW they touch you
- WHERE they touch you
- WHEN they touch you
- Sexual boundaries
Coming too close can be accidental, or an attempt to intimidate you. If you don’t want to be touched on certain parts of your body, or at a specific time or social context, that should also be respected.
Mental Boundaries
- Thoughts
- Values
- Opinions
- Beliefs
Trying to persuade another person can turn into a shouting match or intimidation when boundaries have been crossed.
Emotional Boundaries
Having indistinct emotional boundaries is common for people who are codependent.
Learn how to separate your feelings from other people’s feelings.
Your feelings should not depend on other people’s thoughts, feelings, or moods. In this way, an emotional boundary is, in most cases, one that you set on yourself.
Give yourself permission to have your own feelings, and not to take on the burden of other people’s feelings.
You don’t need to define yourself by your relationship to other people. You should not be defined by your job, marital status, or your family. Those things affect your responsibilities, but you are not responsible for the burden of how other people think you should feel, or how you believe they think you should feel.
10 signs of unhealthy boundaries
#1: Talking at an intimate level at the first meeting.
#2: Falling in love with a new acquaintance.
#3: Going against personal values or rights to please others.
#4: Touching a person without asking.
#5: Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.
#6: Letting others direct your life.
#7: Falling apart so someone will take care of you.
#8: Accepting food, gifts, touch, or sex that you don’t want.
#9: Being overwhelmed by a person- preoccupied with thoughts of them.
#10: Letting others describe your reality and/or define who you are.
Five tips for setting healthy boundaries
1.When you identify that you need to set a limit with someone, do it clearly, preferably without anger, and in as few words as possible. Avoid justifying, rationalizing, or apologizing. Offer a brief explanation, if it makes sense to do that. We cannot maintain intimate relationships until we can tell others what hurts us and what feels good.
2.You cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another person’s feelings. The two acts are mutually exclusive.
3.You will probably feel ashamed and afraid when you set boundaries. Do it anyway. People may not know that they are trespassing. Also, people don’t respect others whom they can use. People use those they can use, and respect people they cannot use. Healthy limits benefit everyone. Children and adults will feel more comfortable around you if you have strong boundaries.
4.Anger, rage, complaining, and whining are clues to boundaries we need to set. The things we say we can’t stand, don’t like, feel angry about, and hate may be areas crying out for boundaries. When we feel those strong feelings, they are indicators of problems, like a flashing red light on the car dashboard. As well, shame and fear may be the barrier we need to break through to take care of ourselves. Other clues that we may need to set a boundary are feeling threatened, “suffocated,” or victimized by someone. We may need to get angry to set a boundary, but we don’t need to stay resentful to enforce it.
5.We’ll be tested when we set boundaries. Plan on it. It doesn’t do any good to set a boundary until we’re ready to enforce it. Often, the key to boundaries isn’t convincing other people we have limits – it’s convincing ourselves! Once we really know what our limits are, it won’t be difficult to convince others. In fact, people often sense when we’ve reached our limit. We’ll stop attracting so many boundary invaders. Things will change when we decide to change.
Boundary Development Exercises
The following excerpt and exercises come from the book, Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine:
I Am Not You
Our emotional health is related to the health of our boundaries. When we grow up in a dysfunctional family, learning how to use boundaries is one of the most uncomfortable set of clothes to try on. It threatens our former understanding of survival itself and in that way goes against our very grain. But with time the wardrobe changes. We come to see ourselves as clearly separate from others, yet not too distant, and if our boundaries are intact we have a sense of well-being. Intact, clear boundaries feel good. Healthy boundaries are flexible enough that we can choose what to let in and what to keep out. We can determine to exclude meanness and hostility and let in affection, kindness, and positive regard.
Where are your boundaries? Do you know? Do you have a sense of your edges, your uniqueness? Are you comfortable within your limits?
Picture Your Boundary Exercise
Equipment: twine or string at least 25 feet long
- In the middle of a room with lots of space, put the twine on the floor so that it makes a circle. Stand in the middle of the circle. Imagine that everything outside the circle is not you. Imagine that everything within the circle is you.
- Think about what fills up your circle. What do you care about? What do you believe? What do you hate? What do you love? Who are you? What is attractive to you? What repels you? What do you value? What do you think about? What are you really like?
- A million things make you distinct from everyone else. The more you know about these things, the firmer your self-concept.
Option A: Write the answers to these questions.
Option B. Discuss these questions and their answers with a friend.
