Esther Kane

MSW, RCC

What is self-abandonment?

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Because everybody learns differently, I have made this information into a YouTube video,  podcast and written blog post. I present them in this order. Enjoy!

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What is self-abandonment?

Self-abandonment is the act of consistently neglecting your own needs, emotions, boundaries, or truth in favour of external validation, approval, or to avoid conflict or discomfort. It often stems from early experiences where prioritizing others was necessary for safety or acceptance.

Signs of Self-Abandonment

  • You prioritize others’ needs at the expense of your own.
  • You ignore your emotions or label them as “too much.”
  • You constantly seek external validation.
  • You have difficulty setting or maintaining boundaries.
  • You feel guilty when you take time for yourself.
  • You override your intuition to avoid conflict or rejection.
  • You struggle to know what you truly want or need.

Where Does It Come From?

Self-abandonment often starts in childhood, especially in environments where:

  • Your needs were minimized or ignored.
  • You were praised for being selfless or compliant.
  • Expressing emotion led to punishment or withdrawal.
  • You learned it was safer to disconnect from yourself.

Consequences of Self-Abandonment

  • Chronic anxiety or low-level depression
  • Burnout and resentment
  • Difficulty making decisions
  • Shaky self-esteem and identity confusion
  • Repeating unhealthy relationship dynamics

Healing Self-Abandonment

  1. Practice Self-Awareness:
    • Notice when you’re disconnecting from your emotions or needs.
    • Journal about daily decisions—did they honor your truth?
  2. Validate Your Feelings:
    • Give yourself permission to feel without judgment.
    • Use phrases like, “It’s okay to feel this way.”
  3. Reconnect with Your Needs:
    • Ask yourself: What do I need right now?
    • Start small—practice naming and meeting one need a day.
  4. Set Boundaries:
    • Learn to say no without overexplaining.
    • Trust that protecting your energy is not selfish.
  5. Build Self-Trust:
    • Make and keep small promises to yourself.
    • Celebrate when you honor your truth.
  6. Seek Support:
    • Healing is often easier with compassionate guidance.
    • Consider working with a trauma-informed therapist or coach.

You Are Worth Showing Up For

Healing self-abandonment is a journey of re-learning how to be there for yourself. It’s not selfish—it’s essential. You deserve to live as your full, expressed, and deeply supported self.

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