I was in London, England visiting my relatives a number of years ago and walked to Camden Market which was close to my granny’s home. In one of the kiosks, something caught my eye. Oddly enough, it was a plain tea towel. I’m not one to get excited by tea towels by any stretch, but this one had something profound written in big bold letters across it. It was a quote from H. Jackson Brown Jr. from his book, P.S. I Love You:
Marry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.
I work a lot with clients who have clearly picked the wrong life partner. Unfortunately, many of these relationships are highly dysfunctional and downright toxic. Some years ago, I got so tired of hearing the same story over and over again, that I wrote a self-help book called Dump That Chump in order to assist people in ending toxic relationships forever and finding their ideal mate.
This book was not only the product of working with clients in toxic relationships. It also stemmed from my own personal experience of being in an abusive and toxic relationship myself in my early twenties. Luckily, I had a fabulous and compassionate therapist at the time who supported and guided me in leaving that relationship for good. I’m proud to say that I spent five whole years healing after that relationship and doing my own internal work and ended up attracting my fantastic husband and that we are about to celebrate 23 years together and almost 21 years of a wonderful marriage.
One of the most profound things that helped me walk away from an abusive relationship was a little piece of writing which my then-therapist gave me a copy of. I have kept it for over 25 years as it literally transformed how I approached intimate relationships. I give copies to clients who find themselves in a toxic relationship. I share it with you now in the hopes that it can help you or someone you care about walk away from a toxic relationship for good…
It’s by Portia Nelson from her book entitled, There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery.
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
