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How to Become More Self-Compassionate

8 January 2023 by Esther Kane

I am a huge fan of Dr. Kristin Neff. I call her the “The Queen of Self Compassion” and bow to her work, and how she has helped so many of us around the world to become kinder to ourselves.

She is an Associate Professor in the Educational Psychology Dept., University of Texas at Austin. She is also the author of the book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, and her latest Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power and Thrive. I confess that I haven’t read these two books yet, but they are on my list. I did, however, review her first book on self-compassion:

Esther Recommends: Self-Compassion

In case you need a primer on self-compassion, here is some wonderful stuff from Dr. Neff: 

What is Self-Compassion?

Having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others. Think about what the experience of compassion feels like. First, to have compassion for others you must notice that they are suffering. If you ignore that homeless person on the street, you can’t feel compassion for how difficult his or her experience is. Second, compassion involves feeling moved by others’ suffering so that your heart responds to their pain (the word compassion literally means to “suffer with”). When this occurs, you feel warmth, caring, and the desire to help the suffering person in some way. Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly. Finally, when you feel compassion for another (rather than mere pity), it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the shared human experience. “There but for fortune go I.”

Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?

Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?

You may try to change in ways that allow you to be more healthy and happy, but this is done because you care about yourself, not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are. Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness. Things will not always go the way you want them to. You will encounter frustrations, losses will occur, you will make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, fall short of your ideals. This is the human condition, a reality shared by all of us. The more you open your heart to this reality instead of constantly fighting against it, the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself and all your fellow humans in the experience of life.

The Three Elements of Self-Compassion

  1. Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment

    Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.  Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals. People cannot always be or get exactly what they want. When this reality is denied or fought against suffering increases in the form of stress, frustration and self-criticism.  When this reality is accepted with sympathy and kindness, greater emotional equanimity is experienced.

  2. Common humanity vs. Isolation

    Frustration at not having things exactly as we want is often accompanied by an irrational but pervasive sense of isolation – as if “I” were the only person suffering or making mistakes.  All humans suffer, however. The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable and imperfect.  Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.

  3. Mindfulness vs. Over-identification

    Self-compassion also requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated.  This equilibrated stance stems from the process of relating personal experiences to those of others who are also suffering, thus putting our own situation into a larger perspective. It also stems from the willingness to observe our negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity, so that they are held in mindful awareness. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time.  At the same time, mindfulness requires that we not be “over-identified” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negative reactivity.

Self-Compassion as an on-going Practise

I confess that while I profess that everyone practice self-compassion on a daily basis, I am not always good at doing this myself. Try as I might, I am human, and often return to old habit patterns of being hard on myself. I was in a session with my own therapist recently, and she gently pointed this out. It was a very humbling moment, indeed. She asked me in a soft voice, “Esther, have you heard of the self-compassion break”?

No, I had not. My immediate reaction was a sharp rising of heat in my body, followed by feelings of shame and embarrassment, because I thought that I, a supposed teacher of self-compassion,  should have at least heard about this particular exercise. A cosmic joke was played on me, and I decided to laugh with it instead of beating myself up. Thus, I was able to shine the light of self-compassion towards myself in that moment by finding the humour in the situation. Then my therapist walked me through the steps using an example I had brought up of where I was being particularly hard on myself regarding a painful situation in my life. I share it with you here in the hopes that it brings you as much peace, clarity and lightness as it did for me.

Again, this is from the wonderful work of Dr. Kristen Neff and can be found here.

The Self-Compassion Break

Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.

Now, say to yourself:

1. This is a moment of suffering

That’s mindfulness. Other options include:

  • This hurts
  • Ouch
  • This is stress

2. Suffering is a part of life

That’s common humanity. Other options include:

  • Other people feel this way
  • I’m not alone
  • We all struggle in our lives

Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest. 

Say to yourself:

3. May I be kind to myself

You can also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:

  • May I give myself the compassion that I need
  • May I learn to accept myself as I am
  • May I forgive myself
  • May I be strong
  • May I be patient

This practice can be used any time of day or night, and will help you remember to evoke the three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most.

Need more?

Contact me to set up a free 15-minute phone consultation to explore doing counselling sessions to learn to become more compassionate towards yourself.

To read more articles I’ve written on self-compassion, click on this page: https://www.esherkane.com/category/e…

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Esther’s therapy office is located in Victoria, BC. In-person, video, and telephone appointments available. To set up a FREE 15-minute phone consultation, contact me online or call 778.265.6190.

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