During my 20+ years as a therapist, I cannot count how many times clients have shared heartbreaking stories of being cut off from family members. What I am referring to specifically is the conscious decision a person makes to cut off contact from another family member for a time- this can range from a few days to an entire lifetime.
Most people I know have been at one or both ends of the cut-off continuum. Either they have had to end contact with a relative because it is abusive and harmful to their well-being, or they have been cut off by another relative and are suffering deeply as a result.
Having seen and worked with both sides regularly over the years, I can honestly say that neither is a picnic. Whether you have cut someone out or have been the one cut out, there is most certainly much grief and angst experienced either way. These various forms of cut-off often lead people straight into a therapist’s office due to the unbelievable pain and suffering experienced as a result.
For the purposes of this article, I am going to focus on what to do if you are the person who has been cut off by another family member. I have never seen anybody in so much emotional pain as when hearing a story about how their daughter, mother, sister, or any other close family member has stopped talking with them. The look of anguish, deep sadness, and often bewilderment, can be really heart wrenching to witness. The pain is so great that it is often palpable, and screaming out for some sort of ‘balm’ to ease the distress.
I don’t feel that it would be productive to discuss the how’s and why’s of why a family member would cut off contact, for they are varied; sometimes justified and sometimes not. What I do feel would be helpful, is to share some of the tools I offer clients who are at the receiving end of a family cut-off. The fact is, whether it makes any rational sense or not, understanding why someone cut you off isn’t going to make them start communicating with you again, nor will it ease the pain of being cut off in the first place. Sometimes things just don’t make sense and no amount of reasoning can help the situation.
Here are some tools I have found helpful to my clients which you (or someone you care about) can use the next time a family member cuts you off:
- Pray- Even if you aren’t religious, the relief found from ‘handing it over’ to something greater than yourself is often astounding as well as being incredibly nurturing to the soul.
- Let go- Along with prayer, letting go is an incredible tool in healing a cut-off. Know that you cannot control the other person who cut you off, but you can control how you choose to deal with the situation. You can either hang on for dear life, while continuing to suffer greatly, or you can loosen your grip, send that person love, and focus on living your life and being good to yourself.
- Grieve- This is absolutely mandatory, especially if you don’t want to be cut off from this person. Anytime someone we care about leaves (whether through death, divorce, or cut-off), we experience great loss and bereavement. Let yourself feel the pain of loss by crying, licking your wounds, and feeling the sadness associated with the loss. It helps to move through the pain in the long run.
- Write letters you don’t send– this is very therapeutic because when you have been cut off from someone, your side of the conversation with him/her stops. But you still need to express how you’re feeling/dealing with being cut off from this person. Write it all out in a letter but don’t send it. The benefit here is from getting what you have to say off your chest; not from sharing with the other.
- Talk about it- Lastly, it is vital that you find a safe person to talk to about the experience of being cut off. This is where a therapistcomes in handy as s/he has been trained to help people through painful cut-offs and can listen, provide tools, and be a support during this tough time.
If you are experiencing a cut-off from someone you love, I truly feel for you. It’s a really difficult situation to be in. But know that there are ways to deal with this tough situation and that you are not alone. Many of us survive cut-offs from loved ones in our lives and even grow from the experience.
I have subscribed to your newsletter for a number of years now and have found it incredibly helpful, but tonight’s email is especially timely. I am experiencing being cut off by my DIL and my son has done a 180, so it is extremely difficult to talk with him as well, but at least he is communicating now and then. I know that without my faith in God I probably wouldn’t have made it through the last year. It is now over a year since she has seen me, or spoken to me. We have a differing philosophy on a difficult subject, and I really didn’t know how deeply her identity was centered around these views, so when I found out and expressed my disagreement, pain and upset around this (perhaps difficult for you to understand, without mentioning what it is, ) she immediately cut me off.
I was very angry and did not want a relationship at all, but realized I would also lose my son, whom I was extremely close to. I didn’t realize how he had adopted her views and hoped he still leaned closer towards mine,(views he was raised with) – but that was not the case. Anyhow, I did all the things you said in your article, cried nightly, beat myself up ( you didn’t mention this), grieved, questioned, prayed, wrote letters, sent some (which I should not have), complained to friends and family and then finally just let go and let God. In the letting go, I am able to carry on with my life, and have realized that I need to “get a life” that centers around me and not controlling or trying to change others. (WOW – can’t believe I just wrote that! BIG AH HA!!)
Although I do have to say that when I spend time with my son now, I am extremely tempted to ask what the heck is going on with her, and will she ever forgive me, BUT in doing so, realize that she may not, and I have to be joyful that my son does want to spend time with me. Just so you know, I apologized profusely in texts, emails, cards, notes, etc, because she did not want physical contact. And because I want a relationship (I think) – some days I think that I don’t, because our views on life are so different, that I think it would take a miracle for us to have common ground, and I am angry at my son for marrying her!!!!!!!!! I just wanted a family ( had close family growing up) and I raised my son by myself until he was 16 and I married my second husband. My son told me that I wanted his wife to be the daughter that I never had, but I knew when I met her, that would never happen. She instantly had walls up around me, and I never knew why until last summer. ☹
In saying that, I know that my faith in God requires me to love her, and I know that I can’t do this without His sustaining power. I continue to pray that I see her as He does, His child that He loves deeply. I know my son loves her and I pray that they remain happily married. (3 years at the end of August).
Keep doing your great work.
Dear Esther, these tools are helpful. Thank you.
The ones of special use for me right now are the ones in #2 Let go:
Loosen your grip.
Send that person love.
Focus on living your life and being good to yourself.
I’m going to benefit putting these tools into practice.
Grateful